So my boyfriend and I were watching "Best Worst Movie", a documentary about "Troll 2", and he states that we haven't watched "Troll 2" yet. So luckily I find it on Netflix Instant Queue. Here is my real-time blogging of "Troll 2", a terrible movie:
0:00 - Intro with trolls
3:50 - Foreshadowing
4:00 - Started leaking green food coloring
4:26 - Do they really eat people?
5:00 - Apparently the Grandpa who was in the rocking chair is really dead. For like 6 months. Disappears.
5:40 - Wow, she really had to say out loud "me, his daughter" like I couldn't figure that out.
6:07 - The pacing is so slow.
6:15 - I really don't think you needed to say goodnight twice.
6:30 - yeah pump that iron and flash epic posters of horses
6:50 - Do you need all of those things on your work-out suit?
7:20 - Awkward open shirt dad.
7:34 - If there are only 20 people in the town, it's probably a creeper.
7:40 - Nobody wants to live like our ancestors, that's why we don't anymore.
7:56 - "when I was a kid, I had a playmate too" "but it wasn't your dead Grandfather" AWESOME
8:00-ish - "Who are the goblins?" "THE GOBLINS?!"
8:50 - The goblins are probably in your closet
9:10 - No, do not disgrace the Pistons in this movie by putting a banner of theirs in the little boy's room.
9:30 - Wow, what creepers, sneaking in on the child while he's sleeping, then on the girl while she's pumping iron.
9:57 - You're a victim of a nocturnal rapture
10:00 - release your instincts in the bathroom" "what do you want me to turn into a homo?"
10:38 - "my dad could eat your nuts"
10:50 - "What's wrong with having friends?" "Nothing if you want to be a virgin. You bring them to sleep with you, and I don't believe in group sex" ....whaaat?
11:00 - Then after calling the boy a homo who loves his friends, you want him to be your boyfriend and invite him on vacation. Then a little bit later he forgets to show up.
12:46 - "sing that song I like so much" "Row, row, row your boat" (oh God this reminds me of my family trips in the past)
15:00 - weird dream in the car
15:16 - "who would want to eat you little brother?" (robotic)
16 - I have to throw up by this homeless man holding a sign.
16:15 - oh apparently it is his dead Grandfather.
16:39 - nope, just a homeless dude he imagined as his Grandfather. A creepy one at that.
17:09 - wow this is a clean movie. Your girlfriend just flicked you off. Prolly shouldn't have followed her with your friends in a motorhome. Wow that guy is really short.
17:48 - there's no one here, that's normal because this is a farming community.
18:05 - the son is really whiny. shut up. that's right mother, you tell him. don't listen to your son.
18:10 - why are you calling your husband "father Waits"
18:35 - yep, the mother is wearing mom jeans.
19:45 - are they switching houses?
19:55 - yeah, keep telling them every little thing that's in your house before they leave. They don't care.
20:28 - The dad looks so happy to be in here.
20:57 - Creepy Grandpa is at the door. Don't let him in.
21:15 - FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T LET THEM EAT!
21:40 - "You have 30 seconds to come up with some way to stop them [from eating]." Kid procedes to stand there. He has no idea what he's doing. Grandpa is creepy and can stop time.
22:44 - While time is stopped,
23:00 - Did the little boy just whip out his penis and pee all over the food?
23:07 - Don't spank him! Please don't spank him! (
23:32 - "Did you see this writing? Do you know what it means? Hospitality! And you can't piss on hospitality! I WON'T ALLOW IT!"
23:50 - Hunger strike? Well I'll accept the challenge. When I was your age, I really did suffer from hunger. And I made it through it. So we'll see who makes it through this, but just remember, I have more practice than you. (Caleb: wow, way to one up your child)
24:19 - creepy photos on the wall
24:30 - creepy short shorts on guys.
24:47 - What in the world are they watching
24:50 - if you find twins, don't be greedy... (yeah like the nerd is gonna get laid)
25:20 - YEAH AWESOME MUSIC
25:40 - we all know how this story ends
25:52 - Why the hell did that boy tackle the girl? and then rub her boob?
26:00 - I'm human? Want to see? (yeah whip it out!....no.)
26:27 - wow, even the guy in this movie who first encounters the trolls knows they're fake. Just walks right up to them.
26:37 - Those are the most horrible costumes I've ever seen!
26:54 - let me give you some advice you dwarves (but you're as short as them...) get out of here or you're going to be in a lot of trouble! (yeah cause honestly they're afraid of you...sure...)
27:00 - yeah just got stabbed with a javelin before he could finish the sentence!
27:22 - were those guys just laying on each other? if they're so homophobic, why are they laying so close to each other?
28:00 - I'm pretty sure that that sound was the eagle from the Colbert Report.
28:22 - Hmmm...this house seems pretty legit. And look, there's a bed with satin sheets to make love on.
28:42 - THIS IS MY HOUSE! - weird old woman up the stairs (the librarian from hell according to Caleb)
29:11 - She seems legit. Does she have braces or gross teeth...can't really tell...
29:33 - she is also taking too long to talk. I have a feeling that this movie is so long because of how slow people talk and how many times they restate things.
29:59 - and how slow they walk.
30:24 - This woman's eyes look HUGE.
30:46 - yeah you probably shouldn't drink things strangers give you.
30:58 - gross puking up green stuff. And now she has to walk off stage in order to have the transformation.
31:23 - IT'S A TRAP!!!! I wouldn't drink a green drink that is now coming out of that girl.
31:48 - "What's happening to her? And why can't I move? There must be a logical reason for all of this." - said very slowly in a dull voice. Doesn't sound like he's scared or having any emotional reaction at all
32:02 - She's changing! (still doesn't seem scared)
32:20 - gooey green stuff. this does not look real.
32:52 - I would probably have left by now.
33:00 - They're eating her And then they're going to eat me. OH MY GODDDDD!!!
33:22 - Whiny little kid again.
33:37 - being in an "Aries" nightgown with Garfield on it does not make you attractive. Why are you talking to a mirror?
34:26 - creepy Grandfather pops into the girl's room and says "Joshua...Joshua..." uhhh wrong room.
34:50 - weird.
35:30 - Are you still smoking dope Holly?
36:30 - creepy Grandpa pops back up and says "I still have to learn the layout of this house" cause he tried to talk to the boy but really talked to his sister.
36:40 - the reason why the Grandfather ghost doesn't talk to the parents is because the mom doesn't listen to him so "that's why she married that good-for-nothing". Wow, way to call your Grandson's father a dick. He would not have been born if it weren't for him.
37:20 - Only you can do something G
37:36 - Seriously, you are homo because you're sleeping in the same bed.
38:00 - Gotta warm up for this walk.
38:30 - Wow, they didn't leave any food...maybe because you should've brought it your damn selves.
39:25 - This kid looks suspicious...in short shorts so he must be gay. I better pick him up in my car.
39:50 - Yeah just get in the car of a guy you've never met.
39:55 - I'm sheriff Gene Freak. Yeah prolly a freak.
40:37 - Yeah they're nice to strangers cause they have to feed them to the trolls. Seriously, no one thought visiting a town with 20 people in it was weird.
41:00 - Way to ask a question and then shut the door as he was answering.
41:20 - Creepy men standing around. No wonder there are no women.
41:42 - None of the milk is refrigerated. Gross.
41:54 - There's no coffee here in this town, it's the DEVIL'S DRINK!
42:37 - I would not drink free unrefrigerated milk.
43:00 - I'm not walking straight...but nothing's wrong.
45:30 - ZOOOOOOOOOM
45:56 - NILBOG, it's GOBLIN spelled backwards! This is their kingdom!!!
46:14 - Seriously, no one noticed their friend was gone, just thought he was getting laid. He's such an ugly nerd so how would that ever happen.
47:00 - Way to pop in and surprise your neighbors.
47:36 - ZOOOOOM again on FACEEEEEE
47:50 - Way to fall asleep reading a vegetable cooking book when you should be paying attention to your young son.
50:27 - Way to grab the kid's face.
51:17 - Way to have your shirt unbuttoned coming out of the camper. I'm pretty sure you were having gay sex.
51:25 - HECK YEAH the girl just clocked him! She's definitely stronger than her boyfriend. What a wuss, she is more of a man than he is.
52 something - Way to shove icecream into the boy's mouth.
53 something - DAD TO THE RESCUE!
54:30 - Wowwww nice van.
54:45 - Way to talk to the boys and scare them...not really...
56:25 - I'm pretty sure yelling to your friend when he's out of his mind and you can barely talk won't work well... He's prolly like "I'm trippin' balls".
57:35 - Kid still does not seem scared at all.
57:46 - If this kid can barely walk, how is he even dragging his friend out the door.
58:03 - This is taking forever.
58:27 - Wow that bitch slap was effective...flung him into the bed. Must be raping time!
59:19 - Very unconvincing chainsaw. Doesn't move half the time and really does not make real chainsaw sounds.
59:35 - Why is he laughing while he's getting chainsawed?
1 hr - yeahhhhhh let's throw a surprise party in your house.
1:00:45 - "Elliot's part of the family now." Yeah cause he just showed up finally even though you had a huge fight and he really didn't want to come and your dad hates him...
1:01 something - Kid just ditches his family even though they're gonna eat the green stuff. Way to care anymore.
1:01:54 - apparently the mirror where Grandpa used to come out is a trap too.
1:02:45 - Wow, they cannot even clap to the beat...
1:03:02 - Apparently Grandpa's ghost can come out and cut off a goblin's hand and it looks like clay.
1:03:25 - "We must move quickly to put out the fire" "What fire?!" (exactly. There is no fire at this point.)
1:03:31 - Oh, the fire they're going to make...whatever. Pyro Grandpa.
1:04:20 - THAT IS ENOUGH!
1:04:41 - Apparently Grandpa isn't a ghost anymore and can FINALLY help out? Why didn't he just step in before? Jerk.
1:05:08 - Wow it's taken the family about 10 minutes and they still haven't eaten yet. If I hadn't eaten for 2 days I would've dove in.
1:05:22 - "Hurry, let's put some fuel in the fire" (*face-palm*)
1:05:33 - Apparently the goblins can see the Grandfather.
1:05:46 - wow that was too easy.
1:06:01 - Oh no! I have to watch my Grandfather die again! Must be pretty damn traumatizing!
1:06:40 - "What happened?"
1:06:55 - Guy on fire is screaming the weirdest scream.
1:07:00 - Why the heck did my son set a guy on fire and not put it out with the fire extinguisher?!
1:07:33 - Goblin is revealed!
1:07:34 - "Oh my God, what is this?!"
1:07:56 - The crazy music lets us know that all of the villagers are gonna turn on them.
1:08:18 - The Goblin's scariest/best attack is just staring at the humans. Not actually fighting them.
1:08:39 - Wow...sorry son, you were right...
1:11:15 - Stupid boyfriend, help us!
1:11:20 - Grandpa's been the one helping us all this time!!
1:11:35 - Apparently a saiance (sp?) is gonna help bring him back from the dead.
1:12:06 - best sexy music ever.
1:12:41 - Awesome, I'm gonna listen to what the tv girl is saying.
1:13:13 - I can't wait to eat corn with this woman!
1:14:33 - This kid does not look turned on. Definitely gay.
1:14:55 - Worst seductive dance ever.
1:15:03 - kid has no idea what to do with the corn...
1:15:32 - yeah, sexiest scene ever.
1:15:35 - how the heck did popcorn pop from that?
1:15:48 - how did they get the candles to stand up on the table?
1:16:01 - Why do you rely on your Grandpa so much, man up and take care of your own problems?
1:16:42 - The goblins don't get why they aren't "showing any signs of life" inside the house...because they're being quiet. Also maybe you should just attack them while they're vulnerable.
1:18:13 - Child looks like he's stoned. Worst concentration face ever.
1:18:33 - So did the kid just turn into a goblin? errr what? did he get teleported? not sure what's going on. Does the Grandfather not care about the rest of his family, just the boy? Oh...wait, I think I he got tricked. Haha gullible boy!
1:21:23 - Tree rape from behind! (are we sure this isn't Evil Dead II?)
1:22:11 - Only take out the contents when you really need it (how about a while ago???)
1:23:50 - They have backed the humans into a corner but are just staring at them...okay...
1:23:51 - "We're all humans! Let's talk about this!" (ummm not really, they're goblins...)
1:24:45 - Wow the goblin's mouth barely moved when he talked...
1:25:00 - And now they just disappeared...
1:25:05 - Apparently Grandpa is leaving forever now. And child is whining about it. And only the power of good will kill the goblins. Really?! seriously?!
1:26:55 - A DOUBLE-DECKER BOLOGNA SANDWICH!!!!
1:27:10 - Apparently carnivore-ism is the only way to defeat them. And throwing the sandwich.
1:27:53 - Apparently the power of goodness comes out of a family touching a stone. And creates lightning. Lightning on a black background not actually hitting anything. And somehow the goblins are dying. I'm pretty sure killing things is not a power of goodness.
1:28:56 - dying = shaking on the floor and poofing out into smoke.
1:29:11 - Wow that was uneventful.
1:29:22 - okay, let's just drive home.
1:29:36 - I need to go home. For a while.
1:29:56 - apparently the mother is not at all shocked. and just gonna eat an apple.
1:31:07 - creepy noises coming through the closet or other room at home.
1:31:43 - Who leaves the bathroom door open while taking a shower.
1:31:57 - I love how the first thing they do when they get home is go into different rooms.
1:32:20 - Apparently goblins like to write messages on balls and cakes and things. And they followed the family home and ate his mom while she was in the shower.
1:33:03 - "They took my mom!!!"
1:33:31 - "Do you want some Joshua?" (of his mom)
1:33:46 - End the movie with the boy screaming
So apparently they were thinking there was gonna be a third???
God no.
Alright, time to finish "Best Worst Movie"...
So apparently the director thinks it's a great movie and goes into all the deep details but the writer states that all she did was replace vampires with vegetarians in the movie, because all of her friends became vegetarians and she hated it. Wow.
What is this guy doing comparing Troll 2 to Harry Potter?!?!
Also while watching the movie, you could tell that the music was done on a keyboard but in the "Best Worst Movie" it shows it being done.
Oh God do not bring the director to America to see that the only reason his movie has "recent success" is because his movie was so bad that everyone wants to see it and laugh. Ugh. And now the actor has to lie to him and acts like it was a great movie. And he doesn't get how the crowd is laughing about it when they say it's "awesome". Oh God they're all going to laugh at the movie during serious parts and the director isn't going to get it.
Okay I can't blog about this anymore, it's just too much to write. And just so awkward.
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