Every once in a while I will do a running commentary on a movie where I watch it and just write what I am thinking. So here's the first one. Alice in Wonderland, the 2010 Tim Burton version with Johnny Depp.
There are lots of links below to different things that I was thinking of during the movie. Be aware that many of these links are inappopriate for children. Also, these are random things I thought during the movie which does not mean I hated the movie. I will post a review later.
So, at the beginning a big party is thrown and Alice has no idea what is going on then SURPRISE BITCH IT'S AN ENGAGEMENT PARTY FOR YOU. (Wouldn't that suck?) So then she runs off and sees this rabbit and follows it and falls down the hole like we all remember from the first movie. And she drinks this bottle that says "drink me" (yeah kids, drink bottles that say 'drink me' and eat the magic brownies, especially those that say 'eat me').
23 min - OMG BLUE CHOCOBO
24 min - OMG hot pirate-like guy
25 min - Yes, tear her arms off Tweddle Dee and Dum. HAHA Bird just snatched your ass.
26 min - wtf did the Red Queen just say? She is talking way too damn fast. SLOWWWW DOWNNNNN. And then I'll kick her in the face with my ENERGY LEGS. Also, "What's wrong with your faceeeeeee?"; ewwww why did you just like out of the frog's mouth. Sick.
27 min - OMG Fish butler. I want one. So cute.
29 min - Chesire cat is not as scary as he was in the poster. Oh wait, his eyes got wider. Nevermind. Still kinda cute in his own way though. I want to pet him. So fluffy. HOVERBALL CAT
31 min - HEREEEEEEEEEEE'S JOHNNY! Rabbit is way more creepy than the Chesire cat.
33 min - Kids, drink whatever adults give you, especially those who have crazy orange hair and makeup. Yes. Do the drugs.
39 min - Flashback time!!! Wow, the Mad Hatter has longer hair in the flashback and reminds me of one of my one-week exes. Oh good times. No, I will not spend the night in your dorm after we have broken up.
41 min - Good plan...let's stop in the forest while I do my flashback. They won't be searching for us there anymore. They definitely don't have a sniffing dog! *sarcasm*
42 min - They totally didn't put the throwing of the hat in the movie for 3d effects or IMAX purposes. *sarcasm* WOAHHHH IT'S COMING OUT OF THE SCREEN! LET'S ALL REACH OUT TO GRAB THE HAT!!! (okay so I haven't read the book, if that happens in the book forgive me)
44 min - wow this is different from the first animated Alice in Wonderland where she just kinda floated along and had no idea what was going on. Where she was kinda loopy. This Alice is commanding. It's MY dream bitches, this will go how I want it to.
46 min - BLUE CHOCOBO IS BACK!!!
51 min - "Where is Alice kids?" "She's right there!" "Look to your right!"
52 min - Ohhh looks like the Red Queen thinks Johnny Depp is as hot as all of his fans think he is. They might get it on. Yeah eyebrow raised look. Bow chicka wow wow.
53 min - Damn it Ann Hathaway, I can never see you as anything else but from the Princess Diaries.
54 min - Is it bad that I have no idea what the Jabberwocky is still?
55 min - wtf floating heads in the bloody water. Is this really a kids movie? Reminds me of frozen heads floating in Titanic.
1 hour - ummmmm did Alice just get sexually harrassed? He was going to rape her if she wasn't bigger than him. What kind of message is this sending the kids? Boys, throw girls up against lockers at school, they like that. They're not big enough to push you off.
1 hr 2 min - ummm did that chick's nose just fall off? Gross.
1 hr 3 min - Kids, let the doggies lick your wounds, especially ones they gave you. It won't hurt at all and is very sanitary; Oh hellz yeah sword time!; I don't get why the doggie-like thing all of a sudden forgives Alice and pops back in his eye when she cut it out in the first place. I mean if someone cut my eye out and brought it back to me I'd still be pissed.
1 hr 4 min - Unlawful seduction huh, do kids even understand what that word is? What a douchbag pirate guy.
1 hr 7 min - I'm sorry Ann Hathaway but your makeup looks like shit. Your eyebrows are huge.
1 hr 8 min - Yes little girl, drink witch's potion. Especially that with urine in it. It makes it go down easier. Drugssssss. Most of this movie isn't as trippy as the Disney original though.
1 hr 11 min - Bitch you don't take Johnny Depp's hat.
1 hr 13 min - HAHA suckers! "Ches, you dog" ohhhhh funny joke! So hilariousssssss.
1 hr 14 min - BOOBS OFF TO REVEAL MORE BOOBS; also, why is everyone clapping if they haven't won yet?; Awww the turkey birdy is so cute! And snatchy!
1 hr 16 min - Oh White Queen, you're such a pussy. Fight your own battles!; Awww puppy family!!! :)
1 hr 18 min - Wow Alice, you're kind of a bitch telling the Mad Hatter that he's not real.
1 hr 19 min - Now Alice gets a decision instead of people pushing her around. Turning point of movie! Oh noes! Also, no one's gonna help you cause we're all lame. Oh this relates to her decision about getting married! Look, she's even in a gazebo-like thing.
1 hr 20 min - Wow everyone's a dick.
1 hr 21 min - Flashback to scenes that are similar to the first movie. Painting the red roses! We're painting the roses red! We're painting the roses red! So does this mean that Alice comes back again when she's a teen, then an adult, then an old woman? Is this like Chronicles of Narnia? (just kidding)
1 hr 23 min - Certainly looks like the White Witch from Chronicles of Narnia. FOR ASLAN!!!; Also, it could be The Golden Compass with them riding those animals. BEAR ARMY OMG. Wait, this movie doesn't have a bear army. Not good enough...
1 hr 24 min - So...your parents melted? Is this The Wizard of Oz now?
1 hr 25 min - SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC; Oh that beast actually looks badass!
1 hr 29 min - IN THE EYEEEE; Oh come on that little card tower/domino thing was so cliche. It's like I was waiting for it to happen the whole movie and hoping it wouldn't. Then again, that's the kind of stuff that's supposed to happen in this movie so I forgive it.
1 hr 30 min - IN THE EYEEE AGAINNNN. Different character. What if the pirate-like guy had two eye patches?
1 hr 31 min - wow. That's all you could think of when slaying the dragon? "Off with your head!"; I'm kind of hoping the heads grow back like the Hydra in Hercules.
1 hr 32 min - I'm not going to kill you, but I banish you to a life of no one talking to you or being kind. In my opinion, that's much worse.
1 hr 33 min - WTF JOHNNY DEPP DANCE. Yeah, no everyone else get into it. Yeah, now the whole theater. Oh, okay, that was kinda cute, I'll admit.
1 hr 34 min - For slaying the dragon, you get.......MORE DRUGS! YAYYYY!
1 hr 35 min - I can't stay here with you, because you're fake. Also, because I have to go get engaged to the man that looks exactly like you in real life.
1 hr 37 min - Nevermind, I'm not going to marry you.
1 hr 38 min - Feminist hell yeahhhh.; Yeah, good for you, that dance sure showed them!; You all look like you came from a dream I had! Oh snappppppp similarities.
1 hr 39 min - I like dressing like a boy.
1 hr 40 min - End with fadeout with the caterpillar who became a butterfly who would "see her in another life" and Alice setting out on her next adventure. Unsupervised. In a boat. I'M ON A BOAT I'M ON A BOAT EVERYBODY LOOK AT ME CAUSE I'M SAILING ON A BOAT!
That's about it for the first running commentary! More posts to come!
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